This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
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