she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize