I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my being single is dangerous.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
