she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
