My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
