I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
