found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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