just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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