ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
