One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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