if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
