i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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