Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
