life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
