The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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