I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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