just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
