Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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