guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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