I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize