I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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