Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
