I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
