Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
