We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
