i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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