Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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