Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
