How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
