She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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