two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
