ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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