We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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