So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
