You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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