I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
