Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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