My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
