i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize