I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
