ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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