you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We got so high we made milksteak
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
