I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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