When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
