yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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