i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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