The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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