I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So much rum. So many feels.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
