Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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