My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
