Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
