My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
