I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
